Breakthrough!

So...I've realized something very profound. Well, it is to me, at least.
When I'm going through a depression, I have no patience for the people that ask the most of me. There are 2 people in my life that seem to need me more than I need them. Always asking for more of me. I'm not saying that I never need them or that they've not been there for me. If I asked them to, they would be.
I can hide most of my disdain behind humor, but my tone and demeanor changes when I am around them and I can't imagine that they don't feel it. My responses are short and snappish and full of sarcasm. Do I just go with it or do I try to rise above and be more patient with them? It's not really their fault that I'm depressed. It's just that when I am going through it, I am very selfish and I can only think of myself. It's not how I usually am.
But, now that I am aware of it, I can work on it, because now I know and knowing is half the battle.
Aloha

Today is Another Day

So it's a possibility that I can lose an ovary. I have ovarian cysts. I've had them since I was a teen. They hurt like a beeotch. It's like someone takes a hold of your ovary and just squeezes. I guess it's kinda like how guys feel when they get kicked in the junk. Sorry to be so crass, but you'll get over it.
I've already had 2 cysts removed. This could be the 3rd. All the other treatments that they would normally use have not worked. Namely, oral contraception. I've been on them for 10 years, so I know they don't work for this condition. I'd hate to think how bad it could be if I weren't on the pill.
What's scaring me is that I haven't had kids yet. Will this decrease my chances? I am 35 now. This could definitely be an obstacle.
Let the good times roll. At least I still have Zumba.

Aloha

Aloha World

Today, I'm feeling like a failure. There. I said it. Why do I feel this way? Well, let me count the ways.

1. I can't keep my room clean. I'm an adult, but it looks like I still live in college.
2. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have bills out the wazoo, and I'm drowning in debt.
   
3. I can't lose the 25 pounds I've put on in the past 10 years. Just when I start to make some progress, I sabotage it by rewarding myself with food. Aside from the aesthetics, there are health concerns that are hereditary and I need to lose this weight. I am a stress-eater. This sucks because I am ALWAYS STRESSED OUT!
   
4. I've been screwing up at work and I think people are finally going to see what a fraud I am. I've been slacking off, and just shirking my responsibilities. I've lost interest and it's starting to show. Or is this my way of getting out? I do it all the time. Once I don't do something right, I run instead of facing it. I say "It's not what I want to do." But it's because I can't finish what I start. That is one of my faults. If I don't do it perfectly, I don't want to do it.
5. I don't have a career I love. I don't have kids yet.
6. I am a chronic procrastinator. I think this is the crux of my problem and I don't know how to fix it.

My few redeeming qualities? I am compassionate. I want to help people. I'll do almost anything for my family and friends. That's all I can think of. That's so sad. Oh, I've been told I have a great smile. This is still sad.

It's not going to help me if I just wallow in bed. You have no idea how badly I want to do that. So, today I had a good ugly cry and just try to hold on to the aloha. I wish I could go back to Hawaii.